Goldie Arrives

Something happened to me today that was so disturbing I had to write about it…

Earlier I was walking by my bookshelf and thinking about dusting it despite the fact I did it last month when something caught my eye in the nativity scene.

“Holy shit!” This is what I saw:





“Why helloooo!” it said, in a voice that was way too bright considering she was hanging out in my dusty shelf and had no legs. “This is fabulous!”

“What is?” I asked. “The fact that you just scared the shit out of me? What are you?” It had blonde hair and a body that looked strangely like a caterpillar’s body.

“My name is Goldie! I am here to watch you and report back to Santa if you’ve been good or not!”

“Wait. Like Elf on a Shelf?”

She waved one small arm and the motion made her fall forward. “Who is this Elf?” Her voice was muffled and it looked like she was doing something obscene to the donkey. I lifted her up and propped her up against Joseph.

“You’re not supposed to touch me! That takes away the magic!”

“Believe me. I’m not getting anything magical out of any of this.” I sighed. “The Elf on a Shelf is an slightly evil looking elf that sits on the shelf and watches children and reports to Santa. It’s a big deal and has gone viral.”

“What’s viral?” Her smile got bigger. If that was possible. “So have you been a good girl this year?”

I looked around, wondering who she was talking to. “You do know I’m almost 40, right?”

She looked as sheepish as a bedazzled half blonde/half caterpillar could. “It has taken me awhile to get here. I left in 1980.”

“Wait, you’ve been on the way for 33 years?”

She smiled. Well, actually she hadn’t stopped smiling. It was more than a little creepy. “I don’t have legs. It takes awhile.”

I nodded. “Well, if you don’t mind I’m going to walk away slowly and hope that this was all some kind of weird hallucination.”

“Fabulous!” She exclaimed. “I will report back to Santa and come back tomorrow!”

“Great…”

Has anyone else had this problem? Is there some kind of extermination service I can call? I’m not going back out there…

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