The Story of Goldie

One morning I got up really early and started surfing vintage Christmas decorations on Ebay. It was one of those days when I needed cheering up and I thought finding a memento from my childhood online might do it. Plus some of the vintage decorations you find are just ridiculous. They have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas–or any holiday thought up by humans for that matter–and just make you say, WTF?

That’s what happened to me. I was scrolling down the listings when something caught my eye… It was a caterpillar, but it wasn’t any caterpillar known to man. It had a blonde face with a big ass smile painted on and was doing Jazz hands like it didn’t notice it had no lower body. Who thought this up? Someone had to design it and then have it made. Who knows… Maybe there are more out there! But I doubt it. I’m pretty sure Goldie is one off a kind.

I had to have it.

The Ebay auction described her as a: Vintage Decorative Collectible Christmas Caterpillar Ornament.

Offered is a vintage caterpillar ornament.  It is 3 3/4″ in height and 3 1/2″ in width.  It is missing the ornament hoop and has some small spots of paint loss on the head.  Thank you very much for looking!

If you describe something as an ornament and it doesn’t have its hoop, I’m pretty sure it’s not an ornament. There’s not even a place to add a hoop if you wanted to! Unless you gave her a noose. She does have some bald spots, but I think the ribbon in her Pebble Flintstone’s hairdo makes up for that.

I quickly bid on it. I was one of only three people who bid. I can’t believe only three people bid on this masterpiece! She would be mine!

Of course I won because I’m awesome (and might’ve paid too much for a defective ornament that isn’t even an ornament). I paid immediately and then waited impatiently for it to arrived. I even texted my Ebay addicted friend Suz telling her I had won a major award but wouldn’t tell her what it was. I wasn’t even really sure.

It came in a padded envelope that was marked, “Fragile,” which meant it was Italian of course. It was also wrapped up very well. I’m talking bullet proof.
Here it is with Scooter photo bombing as usual. I’m pretty sure he thought it was some well wrapped food, which is why he’s licking his lips.

The caterpillar ornament came in a cocoon!  For being Fra-gi-le, this thing was indestructible! I had to grab a pair of scissors and just start stabbing through all the bubble wrap hoping I didn’t puncture poor Goldie’s plastic heart.

Once I got through the first wall, there were two smaller packages. One contained Goldie:

I’m almost positive Goldie wrote that herself.

She also came with accessories:

They are two painted glass candies. These weren’t even included in the auction. It’s like her mother sent her off into the world with candy for the ride. They were wrapped in their own bubble wrapped cocoon. I hope the seller didn’t think I needed more incentive to keep Goldie because she sold herself with all her awesomeness!

I had so many plans for Goldie. She was going to be my own Elf on a Shelf! I was going to move her every day, but other than the three blog posts I did get up, I didn’t do much else. Like tie her to a fishing pole and make it look like she was bait. Sadly holiday plans got in the way and I was only able to focus one thing at a time and that was my movie countdown. But that didn’t mean I forgot about Goldie. She came with me to Trader Joe’s when I met my aunt and she went with me to my friend Katie’s house. She brought me chocolate once:

She cheered up this chick when she needed some cheering. How can anyone be sad when this caterpillar with no legs is so optimistic?

I know you probably thought I went around the bend when a Christmas decoration started talking to me, but thank you for not saying anything. Or have me committed. Goldie is magic and Christmas and bedazzled goodness.  

She is quite simply fabulous!

(She also has a little hole on the bottom… Is that her vag? They really did make ornaments look realistic!)


My Favorite Holiday Movie: Christmas Vacation

Merry Christmas everyone!! I had to make sure to come here and blog about my favorite holiday movie, which is Christmas Vacation.

What can I say about this movie? If you’ve never seen it, I don’t know you and I’m not sure I want to be friends with you. Every thing about this movie is perfect! From the moment Clark gets stuck under the log truck you find yourself on a bumpy ride of laughter which only gets better. It’s great from the very start, but only gets better when cousin Eddie joins.

I have to admit having problems writing this review because I shared an entire bottle of wine today and I’m feeling a bit sleepy. Mostly all that keeps running through my mind is, “Shitter’s full!” Or: “Squirrel!”

It’s funny because you think this movie is a bit crude and slap-schticky, but then suddenly you have Clark sitting in the attic watching home movies of his Christmas as a kid and it reminds you of your Christmas as a child and you get a little teary-eyed. That’s when you know exactly what he’s really trying to do. What we all try to do. Bring back that Christmas magic from your childhood. Whether it’s with an Elf on a Shelf or with a Santa or a blonde glittery caterpillar.

We all know that exhaustion and relief Clark feels at the end when he says, “I did it.”

Oh and I’m pretty sure one day me and my husband will be Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis with me breaking wind and wrapping up my cats. It’s inevitable…

Merry Christmas from me and Goldie and all the employees on this blog (read: me). Thanks for sticking with me during this countdown! Until next time….

2nd Holiday Movie: It’s a Wonderful Life

Did you think I forgot my countdown? Were you sitting around constantly refreshing this blog, holding your breath, hoping I would finally update it? What is the rest of her list??? Yes, I know you were. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long. Christmas cheer and whatnot got in my way. But I’m back with number 2 (heh). It’s a Wonderful Life!  

I didn’t have time to sit down and really watch this movie, but I did turn it on yesterday while doing other things. My DVD copy offers two version: Black and White and Color. Now why in the world would you want to watch It’s a Wonderful Life in color? That’s blasphemy! I have never watched the color version DVD. And I probably never will.

I know this is a love it or hate it movie. The darkness of the movie doesn’t make it the most upbeat of the Christmas movies. George Bailey gets pretty low before he comes back up, ready to give up his life in order to make everyone else’s life better.

I think this is a movie most people can relate to. So many of us give up or put aside our dreams for our families and “do the right thing.” George gives up his dreams of traveling to stay and marry Mary (the scene when he realizes he can’t let go her makes my heart beat fast every time) and save his father’s dream instead… The old building and loan.

The scene that gets me the most is always the scene when a young George Bailey realizes Mr. Gower, the druggist, is about to poison a customer because he’s drunk and grieving and poor George doesn’t know what to do, but knows he can’t let it happen. Even when he knows Mr. Gower will be angry with him. And he is, smacking George repeatedly in the ear. The violence of this scene is always shocking, but makes that moment when Mr. Gower realizes his mistake that much more poignant. I cry every time. I actually have tears in my eyes right now thinking about it and I watched it not that long ago. It’s that powerful of a scene.

But of course this movie is filled with these moments. I hate the scenes when he finds out what the world would be like without him. But I love when he comes back. I thought it was about time other people sacrificed themselves for George instead of him making all the sacrifices. But that’s the beauty of George Bailey… He would never think of asking them.

The darkness of this movie is what puts it in number 2 on my list. There are not a lot of Christmas carol’s to fill you with the spirit of Christmas, but it does fill you with the spirit of life and a deeper appreciation of our roles in this world and how we affect other’s. I’m glad to have you, my readers and friends. Especially a bunch of my former coworkers who sent me a care package/holiday present that just made my life. You guys know who you are! You rock! And you gave me wine. Wine helps all!

I guess I will post my favorite movie on Christmas. Fitting! If you know me, you’ve probably guessed it, but I’ll still not say until tomorrow. Happy Christmas Eve all!

3rd Holiday Movie: A Christmas Story

I actually left the house yesterday so I wasn’t able to watch and post about my 3rd favorite movie. As you’ve guessed from the title it’s A Christmas Story.

I sat down to take notes but honestly I didn’t have that many comments about this one. I pretty much have no criticism’s of this movie. It’s the movie I can watch on repeat on TBS every Christmas Eve while wrapping presents and never get tired of it.

It’s also the movie that makes me feel close to my dad. As a family we watched this movie a lot. My parents even went as far as to reenact the Red Rider moment with my brother including a real Red Rider BB gun (with a compass and scope). I’ve recreated that moment with my son a few times as well. Just with other presents.

Even today watching it, my eyes welled up when I saw Ralphie’s dreams come true and his father’s childish excitement as well. That’s the true magic of Christmas. Making dreams come true.

Even if you might shot your eye out…

4th Holiday Movie: Love Actually

Love Actually turned 10 this year, which is why you might’ve heard a lot about it recently. Maybe too much! After Googling it for this post, I found that this is either a much loved or much hated movie. I love it! But from what I read people take it way too seriously. In my opinion, it’s a lovely British romantic comedy that warms your heart and makes you cry.

Even though I did sit down and watch this today, it was also on cable, so I watched it twice and at the same time. One in the bedroom and one in the living room. One with commercial and one without. Yes, this is the way crazy people watch movies.

My DVD copy is old so the previews mention you can buy the movies in DVD or VHS. How long has it been since you heard that? 2003 when this movie was made? 

Oh and I finally got English subtitles! I’d hope so for a very English movie!

It’s hard for me to summarize this movie since there were so many plots and it would be impossible to sum them all up here. So I’ll just write out my notes (they are in italics):

Do they really need stunt doubles in porn? The version on the television had cut out the porn couple plot, but my DVD didn’t. It was nice to see the guy from the British version of The Office though.

Does her wedding dress have wings? I swore Juliet’s (Kiera Knightly) wedding dress had wings. But I think it’s just because of the feathers. 

This guy is not as cute as Colin Firth. Jamie’s brother was butt ugly compared to him (Colin Firth). I didn’t see why’d she cheat on him with that dude.

Why did Snape want to cheat on his wife with Mia? Mia came on so strong to Harry, I’m surprised she even bothered wearing clothes to the office. Harry being Alan Rickman of course, who plays Snape on Harry Potter. I’m so ashamed of you Snape! What about Lily?

Billy Bob Thornton as the president: Apocalypse Do we remember when he used to wear Angelina Jolie’s blood around his neck? Gross. He’s the creepy uncle you try to avoid at the family reunions.

Prime Minster doesn’t take a stand until president hits on his crush. Just shows what all men think with. Their heart of course. What else would I say?

You let your young daughters answer the door to strange men? This is during the scene when the prime minister is going door to door looking for Natalie and these three girls answer the door and make Hugh Grant sing. It’s funny, but I couldn’t help but wonder where the parents were…

Of course Mia answers the door half naked. During the same scene. 

I would like to think most American girls would know Colin was gross–even with an accent. Sex-crazed Colin keeps striking out in Britain so he goes to Wisconsin because the knows he’ll get lucky there. Although this is funny, because Americans really do love a British accent, Colin was gross. I’m ashamed to be an American woman watching that plot.

Sam looks five years old to me. Especially compared to Joanna. Cry worthy every time. The Daniel and Sam plot is possibly my favorite. When Joanna kisses Sam and then Sam hugs Daniel, it brings tears to my eyes every time. I love how Daniel takes everything Sam says seriously and treats him like an adult. 

There’s so much more I could say about this movie. I didn’t even touch on every point like Sarah and her poor brother and how she can’t seem to get lucky with hot Karl. And that annoying ringtone of hers that all cell phones used to come with. 

Anyway, love it or hate it, I think Love Actually has become a classic holiday movie. It will always be a must-watch movie for me this time of year (and sometimes during the year), which is why it’s 4th on my list.

Listen to the Voices

Today I was watching the third season of Parenthood and minding my own business. By the way, if you binge-watch a show, don’t pick Parenthood unless you want to cry like a baby all day. I was watching Lauren Graham’s eyes well up in tears for the hundredth time (drink!) when I heard a voice. “Why, this is fabulous! Did you buy me a present?”

I looked over. “Uh… Yeah. No. That’s just a fake present ornament. There’s nothing in it.”

She made a tsking sound. “You can’t fool me! I know there’s something fabulous in here!”

“If I say yes, will you take your present and go back to the SyFy movie special you came from?”

Goldie was too busy looking at her reflection in the package to hear me so I went back to my show. Crosby was saying something funny, and I’m pretty sure the family was about to start dancing again.

A couple hours and half a bag of pistachio’s later (Don’t tell Smoke…they are his!) and it was time to feed the cats. I went outside and… “For the love of God…”

“This is fabulous!” she exclaimed. “These cats love me!”

Mama Kitty looked up and asked, “Don’t I share my food with enough animals? What’s with the glitter bug?” I felt bad. And a bit freaked out that my cats were starting to talk to me. Unemployment really was getting to me! I was putting the crazy in crazy cat lady.

“Goldie, please come in and leave the cats alone. I have another present for you…”

She turned around. “Really? Fabulous!”

“Yes, I have a whole tree of them. They came in a package of 10 from the Dollar Store.”

She inched along. “I can’t wait to blog about this!”

“Great. I’ll meet you about an hour when you finally get in the door.”

That would give me enough time to see what Braverman family member was in trouble this time and figure out a way to seal all the cracks in the house to avoid any other magical creatures from entering. Then I was going to look for jobs because now that my cat’s are talking to me… Damn. It might be time.

Scooter agrees.

5th Holiday Movie: The Bishop’s Wife

My fifth movie is all about Cary Grant with a really good story mixed in. Thanks to my friend Jeannie, I have the DVD for the first time this year, although it was always fun to try to find a time it was on that wasn’t three in the morning. Thanks TCM for not letting me sleep!

If you aren’t familiar with this movie made in the 40’s, then you might be familiar with it’s remake The Preacher’s Wife. I never watched it, but I do know that it had Whitney Houston and Denzel Washington into it. Denzel alone might make it worth it. Plus it’s still hard to believe Whitney has left us so young.

But I digress. This is about The Bishop’s Wife, which stars the handsome and debonair Cary Grant. Let me tell you if I was ever granted a guardian angel that wasn’t a glittery gold caterpillar, Cary Grant would be who I’d want.

Like with Elf, I watched this today and took notes. The movie is about a Bishop named Henry Brougham who is so worried about getting a grand cathedral built that he’s lost sight of what’s important to him like his wife Julia and daughter Debbie. He’s also has an older rich lady dragging him around by his jingle bells who is calling the shots on the cathedral.

An angel named Dudley (Cary Grant) is sent down to help him with his problems. Henry thinks it’s his cathedral but we know better.

This movie is about Dudley interfering in a way that lets us know that Henry is insecure in his relationship with his wife. His wife on the other hand is ecstatic to find someone who pays attention to her and spends more and more time with Dudley. It’s apparent right away that she still loves Henry (although you can’t help but wonder why) but Henry doesn’t know that.

We also know that even though Dudley is an angel, he’s not a perfect one. He starts having his own feelings for Julia, and leaves not a minute too soon. One of my favorite lines to Julia when they are discussing him leaving is, “There are very few people who know the secret to making heaven on earth. You are one of those rare people.”

Very sigh-worthy.

Now let’s look at my notes…

Apparently the subtitles on this DVD were only available in French and Spanish. So only French and Spanish deaf people could watch this. Shame.

Cary Grant overcoat: hot

I miss elaborate window displays at Christmas.

She just reserved a Christmas tree for Christmas Eve. Can you imagine just going to Lowes and be like, “I want that one. And send it on Christmas Eve!” And they didn’t even charge her! The professor she’s talking to at the time is offered a tiny Charlie Brown looking tree for $1.85 and then bargains the guy down! Crazy. It was a Christmas tree store.

The daughter Debbie is already in bed by dinner time. Nice! Not to mention there’s two servants in the house. One is the cook and one cleans and watches the child. Nice. I want to be a bishop!

I wrote: “Loretta Young is beautiful. I can see why Dudley wanted to give up his angelhood for her.”

Snowball fights are only fun in movies. In real life they are cold and hurt.

The kids have been playing in the snow for awhile but they aren’t wet.

Cary Grant is speaking in French: hot

There’s a really bad ice skating scene where it’s obviously not the actor’s skating. It’s always filmed from far away and the dude doesn’t even look like Cary Grant. When they aren’t filmed from far away, you only see them from the back. Smoke has watched this movie with me a few times and we always make fun of it. It’s just bad. Filmmaking has come so far!

There’s also a scene involving Dudley playing a harp and it’s so obviously not his hands. Sometimes his head is out of proportion with the scene so it’s obvious it was cut in.

Henry is talking to the professor and just walks out of the apartment without saying goodbye. People only do this in film and television. Who can just leave somewhere without a word?

Dudley to Henry before he leaves: “Kiss her for me, you lucky Henry.”

The last thing I wrote is: I miss hats.

Who doesn’t miss hats?

(I’m just walking out of this blog post).