Finger Lickin’ Good

Today I was looking through the administrative job listings…as I do every day. I found one job that sounded okay. Just your regular administrative job. The description went like this:

Provides standard administrative and staff support services to the department in a professional manner, maintaining confidentiality. Represents the Department to internal-external customers and assists Department Team Members as needed.

Like I said, standard administrative job. Whatever. I read the responsibilities and it’s things like: Organize meetings, make travel arrangements, compose correspondence, yada, yada.

Yawn. Same old, old same. Then I reach physical requirements. A lot of companies list these for all their job openings, even if it’s just an administrative position, which mostly requires sitting at a desk all day.

While performing the duties of this job, the employee is regularly required to sit and talk or hear.

All at the same time?? That’s way too much for a blonde to handle! Oh, wait. It says talk OR hear. So I won’t have to do it at the same time. Cool. I can handle that!

The employee frequently is required to walk.

What? Seriously? I like to crawl around at my jobs.

The employee is occasionally required to stand; use hands to finger, handle, or feel; reach with hands and arms; stoop, kneel, crouch, or crawl; and taste or smell.

I honestly don’t even know where to start on this. First, I have to stand. I didn’t know I was going to have to stand. That might be a deal breaker right there!

Then we get to the fingering. What exactly am I fingering? First, of all, please tell me it is a what and not a who I am fingering.

I will also be using my hands to handle or feel something. In addition to the fingering. Handle or feel? This job has a lot of and/or options and none of them sound kosher. They really need a “none of the above” option.

Then I’m reaching with my hands and arms. Hands AND arms. That’s a LOT of reaching. Seriously. Where is this place? 

Stooping, kneeling, crouching and crawling. No job that requires kneeling is ever a good thing. And as for the crouching and crawling, am I a mole now? Will I be underground? Because that actually would be awesome. And hey, I wanted to crawl. But it also says walk… I’m confused… I have to do both?

Taste or smell. I get to pick? I pick smell! No, taste. No, smell! Is this Survivor?

The employee must frequently lift andor move up to 10 pounds and occasionally lift andor move up to 25 pounds. 

So I will be moving 10 lbs frequently and once in awhile 25 lbs. That is one big Powerpoint presentation!

Specific vision abilities required by this job include close vision, distance vision, and ability to adjust focus.    

Ability to adjust focus? Do I have binocular eyes now? That’s a weird requirement.

After reading all that, this last duty (heh) suddenly made sense: **Perform special projects as requested. Special indeed.

Of course I applied for the job. They had me at finger! In fact, I might lead off the interview with that! “I read you require fingering. Your search is over! I’m your girl! Lead me to it! Don’t worry if it’s far because I can adjust my focus.” 

If I had known this before, I would’ve put finger skills on my resume a long ago! Guess I know what I’ll be doing after I write this blog entry…

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