Blonde Santa

Today was my appointment at the career center. It’s at 2:00 so around noon I start getting myself together. I pick out one of my work outfits because I like to look somewhat professional when dealing with anything work related, even if it’s through the state and nobody else dresses up. My pants are a bit snug, so I decide no more brownies! After the three I eat tonight.

You can’t waste food! But I did make Smoke hide the rest of them from me:
 
“Really? You can’t just stop eating them?”

Doesn’t he know me by now? There’s a reason I had to stop eating gummy bears cold turkey.

Instead of relying on my phone to find my way this time, I Mapquest the directions and write them down, so I actually find it pretty easily. It’s in the old part of town and if you go straight past the career center, you will end up in a cemetery. You either find a job or you die. There’s no other path.

I walk into the older building and have to take an elevator. There’s a moment where I stand in the elevator and press 2 and then realize I’m somehow already on 2 and I need to press 3. But we won’t talk about that.

When I walk into the office there’s a computer where I have to sign in. What happened to just signing your name and date? There is literally five screen of questions, including the last four of your social security. I’m not even kidding.

After that, I walk over to the desk and try to tell the lady why I’m there even though I have no idea. “I got a call… I have an appointment at 2. I don’t know who with.”

Finally after watching me stutter and stammer for like five minutes, the lady is finally like, “What’s your name?”

I tell her. “Oh yes. I have you right here. I’ll let Sussudio know you’re here.” Not her real name, but I have the 80’s on my mind. “You can go over and sit at our table and look at the classified.”

Err.. Ok. I walk over and sit next to a dude that reminds me of Santa Claus, except his beard and hair aren’t white, they are just blonde. He’s short and stocky and he’s playing with his phone, despite the numerous signs saying absolutely no cell phone use.

I look through the classified until I realize I’m looking for animals to adopt and not jobs. I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to look for jobs. In a career center.

Sussudio comes out and calls me…and Blonde Santa. Wait, what? Are we now tag-team job hunting? Am I supposed to apply for jobs with this guy? Since when did this start? He seems like a nice enough guy, but I don’t want to go on interviews with him. Unless we are wearing tuxedo’s!

She leads us into her office and has us fill out some forms. (Again…doesn’t the front desk have enough information to clone me by now?). When it asks me how many children I have, I say none because JJ is over 18. But afterwards I feel bad for poor JJ. Maybe they were just curious. I have no idea why they ask me half the questions they ask.

After we fill out the forms, she starts talking and I realize it’s just an informational session about the education the state offers to help get you back into the workforce. Basically if there are skills you need that you don’t have. Prostitution. Not really. I don’t think… I didn’t read the whole brochure yet.

Blonde Santa tells us how he used to work in propane but got laid off and he has a Class B license but wants a Class A license and I think, “Why am I here? Why couldn’t she have just made one of us wait while she talked to the other one? There’s plenty of time.” It’s slightly awkward.
 
After she finishes explaining everything, we are only there 15 minutes. She tells us how many documents and information we need to bring back and it’s literally like 20 things. She tells us if we are interested to call her and make another appointment and bring in our life story. I might make mine into a scrapbook. “Here’s my birth certificate. Oh and here’s my three references. I cut the letters out of magazines!”

I walk out with Blonde Santa and realize we will have to share a nice awkward ride down the elevator. Maybe this is when I should suggest our admin-propane merger. We could take on the world!

Him: “That was a waste of time.”

Me: “Hmm…”

Him: “I had all my paperwork, but she just kept saying to call back and make an appointment.”

Me: “Ahh…”

*ding* Thankfully it was only one floor. I run out without saying bye or whatever to Blonde Santa and get into my car. Then I drive to the cemetery and dig my hole.

Obviously not. I do go to Target and buy Luke Bryan’s new CD.. Because I need Luke.

He likes to watch me while I sit naked at my desk…



I’m kidding. I wear shoes. Sometimes…

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