Today Smoke was gone most of the day so I went down to visit my mother-in-law. I needed help figuring out the unemployment paperwork. It’s written by the government so of course it’s as complicated as possible. You can program an alarm clock faster than you can figure out the unemployment instructions.
We both go to the Dollar General and I mentioned buying my son (we’ll call him JJ in this blog) some gummy worms and she’s like, “If I buy JJ some snacks, can you bring them home to him?”
Me: “Of course.”
She buys him some Doritos, some gummy worms and Gummy Savers. (The gummy version of Life Savers).
I get home and I don’t see JJ right away. He’s a teenage boy, which means he’s a recreational sleeper. I’m sorting through the bags and come to the conclusion that JJ doesn’t need my gummy worms since my mother-in-law bought him some. Without another thought, I put them in my bag with my stuff. My bag of gummy bears.
The afternoon goes on and Smoke is nowhere to be seen. He was responsible for dinner. I quickly go through my bag of gummy bears and start working on the Pringles.
Still no Smoke. JJ comes over and I give him his bag of stuff, only feeling a twinge of guilt for not telling him I took back the gummy worms that should’ve been his. I don’t even like gummy worms as much as bears. But they are gummy and will tide me over to my next gummy bear fix. Gummy addicts do what they got to do.
The later the night gets, the hungrier I get. I walk over to my husband’s chair to find the remote and notice he has an unopened bag of gummy bears. They are from last night. They are the fancy kind. He’s hoarding gummy bears. I’m pretty sure he’s doing it on purpose. He knows my problem!
How could he not have opened it? Then I do something I’m pretty ashamed to admit there. Please don’t judge me.
During this same visit to the Dollar General, I’d also bought my husband a bag of gummy bears. Like with JJ’s gummy worms, I take back that bag too. Now I have a half eaten bag of gummy worms and a full bag of gummy bears stashed away in my desk.
This is what I am now. An unemployed gummy bear addict. Now I need to figure out why that doesn’t bother me more. The sad thing is that when I was texting my friend Katie about it, she mentioned buying the cola bottle gummy candy and now I can’t stop thinking about them. That’s it. I’m going for the hard stuff now! it can only go downhill from here. When I’m on the streets offering to do sexual favors for Swedish Fish, please do an intervention…
Mmm… Swedish fish.